Intercepted Random Brain Waves

And in the end ...

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 12:26:22 +0100

So, it's been a really long time since I bothered writing here. I started a blog which is dedicated to my gaming rather than have my thoughts on it spread over multiple points. Which left me with the problem of what I do with this blog, at least until recently. I guess I realised that I needed somewhere to put my thoughts on the real world, I guess a kind of randomly updated diary if you will. So I thought now might be a good time to start, while the thought is still there.

It's not been a great year on the whole. I guess I've felt lower, but probably not this bad over a protracted period. I really only have myself to blame for it, because it's my own indecision and procrastination that has brought me to this point. Have I learnt anything from this experience, yes, that you are only given a few chances of real happiness in life and that you really need to grab those opportunities with both hands, because you may never the chance again. It's kind of the mantra that I keep saying I will live by, "live without regrets", I'm not very good at adhering to rules though, and so have enough regrets to last me through this lifetime already. And there is still supposed to be so much of it to go.

Truth is I met someone a while ago now, who actually made me feel complete, not the hollow "I've got someone to validate me", but an actual completeness. Then as stated above, I just didn't try hard enough to keep her. My brain kicked into self-sabotage mode and welcome back to that feeling of being broken. I'd love to be able to say, "Oh this isn't all my fault", but I'm struggling to see how it isn't. It's been a while since I lost her, but it's very rare that I don't think about her during a day, and I guess that's a form of self inflicted torture. A kind of death by a thousand cuts.

I over think these things, it's something I've always done, and probably always will. That's my nature unfortunately, I've never been a risk taker, and I guess some "games" you just can't afford to play your cards close to your chest for that long.

It's only really recently though that it's started getting noticeable to me, the fact I've pushed all my friends away, to the point they can't reach me. To the point that I really don't care what happens to me. To the point that the constant consideration of my mistakes just feels like I'm taking the knife and twisting it.

I'm sure some people will think, "there are people worse off in the world", very true. I've never thought of myself as the person who is worst off in the world, but that doesn't change the way I feel about my life. In fact knowing things can be worse is the last thing I want to know.

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... or maybe the Soap Opera

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:33:47 +0200

It's amazing how much, and how little things can change on the basis of a few words, How your thoughts can be turned 180 just by a few badly chosen phrases.

I had just about resolved myself to get past the whole quitting thing, I'd looked at my possibilities and decided that not one of them was going to be capapble of running the guild without annoying someone. Every single one of them has either an agenda or has managed to annoy enough people sufficiently that the guild would lose members on the basis of them being in charge. Then today happened, and seeing what was a discussion descend into vitriol has put me past the point of wanting to stay as GM, to the point of not knowing really if I want to stay in the guild or worst case scenario playing the game. I used to really enjoy Warcraft, and I even used to be ok with the GM role, but it's had it's shine taken off it by all the politics that seems to have arisen of late, and frankly I'm totally sick of it.

It's amazing how pathetic people can be, and especially when some of them are supposedly your friends and then turn round and stab you in the back. I really don't know if I can be arsed anymore, there are better things to be doing with my life, and even in-game than worrying about who agrees and disagrees with who.

On the whole, a worse day than last time.

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Oh the Drama

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 19:51:17 +0200

I've decided that my life as a GM has run it's course. Basically I'm fed up with coming online to find out that some other drama has befallen the world as we know it, and more to the point that two of my Officers are still bickering with each other. Having one tell me that he didn't think we were going in the right direction, and having more people leave to join end game guilds made me realise that I really can't be bothered with all the grief anymore. So they can have it, and all that goes with, because it has got me down to the point I basically don't want to play WoW.

I don't know what I'll do with Renvik now to be honest, there is a temptation to reduce him to an ordinary member of the guild, there is a temptation to remove him from the guild totally and there is a temptation at the moment to delete him or move him to another server. I don't think people realise the hell they put you through when they decide to get into petty arguments and make everyday of your gaming life less fun than it's supposed to be.

It's a real shame that it's come to this because I've made some really good friends in the guild, and the truth is I would miss some of them a lot. But I also miss the people I used to quest with. Players that have moved onto bigger and better things because they were prepared to take a risk and get on with their gaming unfettered by the ties of being a GM in a guild that seems determined to stand still.

So yes, on the whole, not my best day.

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Ah another Monday

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 13:36:06 +0100

Well it was a stupid o'clock start to my day today. People calling in with emergencies over the weekend meant I had to cover an hour or so drive to be on site for start of business. Got there only to discover that the fault had been elsewhere and was now fixed. Guess it at least means that I can get on with other jobs.

My weekend on Warcraft seemed to involve a lot of talking and not really getting much done. I think I've decided to add another character to my current repertoire, a Draenai Priest. I have a Night Elf priest at the moment, but because I've specced it shadow and am quite enjoying it may not switch it back. So will make another one to go holy, chose the Draenai after looking at their priest racials, Fear Ward is always nice, and thought I'd be different from the usual Dwarf Priests that are taken along for that purpose. It' ll be a long haul, and I need to spend some time on other characters as well but it's a character for outside the guild so will just slowly plug away at it.

Politics still seem to be the order of the day within the guild, and to be honest I'm getting a little fed up feeling like I have to instigate everything from small changes in the way things run, up to organising instances for players. I think maybe a little free will has disappeared from some of the players. Not sure if the alt guild is working or not, it's a struggle getting the players to realise that they are part of something bigger sometimes, and some of them I don't know if I've ever seen speak.

Well guess by the end of this week I should know how I feel about it. See if it's worth all the lost sleep trying to figure out what needs done, and running the web site. I guess some of them don't appreciate just how much is coming out of my pocket, in terms of playing, paying for the website and paying for the Team Speak server.

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Another day, Another Dollar, or something like that

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 01:27:53 +0100

Felt like I spent most of the day achieving nothing today, weird how you can seem to spend hours of your day and end up with nothing to show for it. I guess it could be worse, huh!

Went and checked on my mate, he lost a member of his family early this week and wanted to check he was holding up ok. Puts all kind of things into perspective. Suddenly start realising the things that are really important in life, and the things that don't matter at all. I'll maybe expound on this over the weekend, too tired just now, coherent thought isn't a strong point when I'm half asleep, and maybe not even when I'm fully awake

Warcraft today, well I found out that the created channels in Warcraft suck, and that some people have no lives what so ever. The created channels moderation seems to be a shutdown everyone that's not on at the time so they have to be given voice, or a free for all that allowed 2 spammers to join the channel today because they apparently had nothing better to do. I'd consider Ninjakid and Drathnor on my hunt and kill list now, and anything I can do to make their life more difficult, consider it done. Nah, not really, life is too short to waste on 12 year olds with no job prospects.

Anyway that's enough for this day at least.

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Test

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:24:28 +0100

This is just a test of the emergency broadcast system.

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