So, it's been a really long time since I bothered writing here. I started a blog which is dedicated to my gaming rather than have my thoughts on it spread over multiple points. Which left me with the problem of what I do with this blog, at least until recently. I guess I realised that I needed somewhere to put my thoughts on the real world, I guess a kind of randomly updated diary if you will. So I thought now might be a good time to start, while the thought is still there.
It's not been a great year on the whole. I guess I've felt lower, but probably not this bad over a protracted period. I really only have myself to blame for it, because it's my own indecision and procrastination that has brought me to this point. Have I learnt anything from this experience, yes, that you are only given a few chances of real happiness in life and that you really need to grab those opportunities with both hands, because you may never the chance again. It's kind of the mantra that I keep saying I will live by, "live without regrets", I'm not very good at adhering to rules though, and so have enough regrets to last me through this lifetime already. And there is still supposed to be so much of it to go.
Truth is I met someone a while ago now, who actually made me feel complete, not the hollow "I've got someone to validate me", but an actual completeness. Then as stated above, I just didn't try hard enough to keep her. My brain kicked into self-sabotage mode and welcome back to that feeling of being broken. I'd love to be able to say, "Oh this isn't all my fault", but I'm struggling to see how it isn't. It's been a while since I lost her, but it's very rare that I don't think about her during a day, and I guess that's a form of self inflicted torture. A kind of death by a thousand cuts.
I over think these things, it's something I've always done, and probably always will. That's my nature unfortunately, I've never been a risk taker, and I guess some "games" you just can't afford to play your cards close to your chest for that long.
It's only really recently though that it's started getting noticeable to me, the fact I've pushed all my friends away, to the point they can't reach me. To the point that I really don't care what happens to me. To the point that the constant consideration of my mistakes just feels like I'm taking the knife and twisting it.
I'm sure some people will think, "there are people worse off in the world", very true. I've never thought of myself as the person who is worst off in the world, but that doesn't change the way I feel about my life. In fact knowing things can be worse is the last thing I want to know.
